The Pain of Connecting

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: The Pain of Connecting

We’re connected with others and sometimes that hurts. Is some pain avoidable? How?

“. . . the young woman started to slip.  [A man] reached for her and [he] fell in.  Then another one tried to help and [he] falls in the water.  We literally watched them get swept over the edge of Vernal Falls”¹ Horrified, this eye witness saw first one person slipping into the water followed by the two others who reached to help.  Three people died.  Sometimes the pain of connection is unavoidable. This week’s news continued with the carnage in Norway. One perpetrator reached out with a bomb and automatic weapons.  91 people died. The pain of disconnection is avoidable.  Can the wisdom drawn from the Five Books of Moses and Interpersonal Neurobiology help us understand these pains so we can prevent future tragedies?

These were the marches of the Israelites. Why did the Five Books spend so much time listing the stops and starts of the Israelites’ 40-year trek? To answer this, we must understand the importance of linking, between places as well as among people, on that ancient journey and today.  In all its dryness, this listing emphasized that no part of the Israelites’ journey stood alone, but rather that all were woven into a single extraordinary experience. Across time and space the list concentrates our attention on the invisible linking experienced when we are with another human being.  “People seem to be capable of mimicking others’ facial, vocal, and postural expressions with stunning rapidity.  As a consequence, they are able to feel themselves into those other emotional lives to a surprising extent.”² We live linked by an invisible yet powerful web of connection, invisible because it operates mostly below our conscious awareness and powerful because it affects our actions.  Interpersonal Neurobiology describes the three abilities that enable our brains to experience empathy and connection and help us unlock the lessons of the Vernal Falls and Norway tragedies.

Two incidents at Vernal Falls illustrate different abilities of our empathetic brain.  As the young woman slipped into the water, the first man reached out to help her only to slip in himself.  The next man also reached out to help and fell in.  No time for cognitive deliberation, each person saw another in danger and acted. Our brain’s gift for automatically sharing other person’s feelings unfortunately increased that death toll from one to three.

Only moments before in the other incident, “. . . A man cross[ed] the barricade.  He was leaning over the 317-foot waterfall, holding a young girl, who was screaming in terror.  People begged them to get back. “I’m yelling at him, ‘You SOB, get over here!’” [another man] said.  Eventually, the two returned to safety.”³ Using the brain’s second ability, the onlookers cognitively intuited the girl’s state of mind and her terror. Seeing that girl in danger got them shouting at the idiot who stupidly endangered her.  Neutrality is not an option.

But even idiots sometimes deserve some consideration, as the Five Books illustrates. Towns that you assign to the Levites shall comprise the six cities of refuge that you are to designate for a manslayer to flee to. In Biblical times, if a person had unintentionally or inadvertently killed someone, he could seek safety from the avenging relative in a city of refuge. Any of us can  make mistakes.  The cities of refuge and this second Vernal Falls incident both demonstrate our brain’s third empathetic ability: responding compassionately towards a socially beneficial intention.  In this case, shouting brought them both back from the brink.  But what happens when our tendency toward empathy and connection fails?

Anders Breivik, the accused shooter in the Norway tragedy, demonstrates disconnection.  Intentionally killing fellow humans presumes severely limited empathic abilities plus a distortion of the cognitive “socially beneficial” intention.  Terrorists, both homegrown and foreign, often leave lengthy manifestos proclaiming a belief system in which their behaviors make sense (at least to them). Lacking empathetic skills, the brain’s left hemisphere can dominate a person’s processing and create a bubble of long-winded logic that justifies harming others.⁵ This is the price of a disconnected brain.

In the Five Books and at Vernal Falls, we witness our human propensity to reach out to others.  Our marvelous social brain is capable of sharing feelings, of intuiting another’s state of mind, and reaching toward a socially beneficial goal, in other words, empathy.  When supported by our upbringing and fostered by our culture, we react empathetically without thinking about it. Yet as we have seen, even empathy can trigger unavoidable tragedies.

On the other hand, some types of upbringing and certain sub-cultures can subvert these empathic tendencies and trigger unnecessary tragedies.  To lessen these darker forces requires that we personally commit to strengthening empathetic connection actions.  On the larger scale, supporting organizations and leaders who emphasize empathetic responses to human suffering enhances connection.  Personally, we can help those within our family and local community who face more subtle challenges of personal or economic stresses.  Practically, every time we get behind the wheel of our car, we can enhance our brain’s empathy.  Extending courtesy to the other drivers, letting them in, and avoiding anger at their bad moves, supports our understanding that we journey from here to there together.  These actions wisely strengthen our invisible connections and limit the price we pay for disconnection.

 

1. nbcbayarea.com/news/local/Hiker-Swept-Over-Vernal-Falls-Report-125848553.html?rr=td
2. Hatfield, Elaine, et. Al, “Emotional Contagion and Empathy” in Decety, Jean, and Ickes, William, eds. The Social Neuroscience of Empathy, 2009, p. 21.
3. Ibid., p. 26.
4. LA Times, 7/21/11, p. A 11.
5. McGilchrist, Iain, The Master and his Emissary, 2009, p. 137 and Ch. 4 & 6.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.