How do I get them to do what I want?

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom:

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

“Why don’t loved ones follow my suggestions and just do what I say?  I only want the best for them.”  The clues reside within our emotional brain, but let’s first examine God’s attempts to get the Israelites to do something important.  In the desert, after the Ten Commandments and long before their arrival in Canaan, God had Moses tell the Israelites to let the land rest, to not plant crops in the seventh year.  This well-intentioned land management plan was followed by a promise and a threat – follow this law and your belly will be full and if not, you will be miserable.  How do promises and threats work in our emotional brain and, more importantly, how can we use them wisely?

“Reaching out from the brain to the body proper, autonomic nervous system helps to control the body’s state of arousal.”¹ Promises and threats regulate arousal and our actions by moving us toward something desirable or away from a danger.  The sympathetic branch of the autonomic system excites and arouses us, moving us forward like an emotional gas pedal so to speak, while the parasympathetic branch inhibits and conserves, keeping us back from perceived danger like an emotional brake pedal.  But more than this simple go and stop, we also affect each others’ emotional arousal.

The land management system was important, both practically and spiritually. It allowed the land to recoup nutrients and be more productive, and it connected honoring the Sabbath, a rest in time, with a rest in physical space, the land’s year off.  But this meant the Israelites were confronted with two years without crops, the rest year until the next year’s harvest.  God was asking them to do something they could only see as dangerous and want to avoid.  How do we get loved ones to do something good that they may interpret as danger?

To be effective, we must attend to our loved one’s arousal system, which acts as a gatekeeper, allowing our message in – or not.  The way we present our request helps or hinders receptivity for our message will trigger either the listener’s sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous system.  “Arousal can be regulated both internally, by automatic (nonconscious) and voluntary (conscious) means and externally through the intervention of significant others in our environment.”² God is a very significant other for the Israelites.  And the more emotionally important we are to the other person, the more our request may unintentionally ignite the listener’s inhibitory parasympathetic system by voice tone or demanding wording.  They balk and in the ensuing argument (or silence), our good information is overwhelmed by hurt or anger.  Parasympathetic sensitivities also emerge from the past.  Without any conscious awareness, critical and shame-inducing childhood messages embedded in our brain can trigger inhibitory responses today.  The Israelites’ brains, steeped in the shame of slavery, might have automatically shut down, unable to distinguish God’s command for their good from Pharaoh’s command for more labor.

Engaging the listener’s sympathetic nervous system becomes our next challenge, and again words, tone and past associations affect their response.  Desire for connection, being seen accurately by a loved one, being part of a close group, all draw us forward, moving us toward the request.  Effectively presenting a request, especially one likely to be experienced as difficult or uncomfortable by the loved one, is best achieved when we lead with what we value in the relationship and the other person.

To achieve positive results, we must address the workings of our listeners’ autonomic arousal system.  Demanding tone and critical words trigger their emotional bake pedal while feeling desired and connected and being seen positively engage their energy towards our suggestion.  Promises and threats are too simple to be effective.  Our message may be important but how we present it affects how it’s received.  By honoring the person and the relationship, we present our truth illuminated with relationship wisdom.

1. Siegel, Daniel J., The Developing Mind, p. 279.
2. Solomon, Marion, and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p. 99.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim.