The Pain of Connecting

July 28, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: The Pain of Connecting

We’re connected with others and sometimes that hurts. Is some pain avoidable? How?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

These were the marches of the Israelites . . . Numbers 33:1

Towns that you assign to the Levites shall comprise the six cities of refuge . . . 35:6

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

. . . true empathy requires three distinct skills: the ability to share the other person’s feelings, the cognitive ability to intuit what another person is feeling, and a “socially beneficial” intention to respond compassionately to that person’s distress. in The Social Neuroscience of Empathy, p. 21.

“. . . the young woman started to slip.  [A man] reached for her and [he] fell in.  Then another one tried to help and [he] falls in the water.  We literally watched them get swept over the edge of Vernal Falls”1 Horrified, this eye witness saw first one person slipping into the water followed by the two others who reached to help.  Three people died.  Sometimes the pain of connection is unavoidable. This week’s news continued with the carnage in Norway. One perpetrator reached out with a bomb and automatic weapons.  91 people died. The pain of disconnection is avoidable.  Can the wisdom drawn from the Five Books of Moses and Interpersonal Neurobiology help us understand these pains so we can prevent future tragedies?

These were the marches of the Israelites. Why did the Five Books spend so much time listing the stops and starts of the Israelites’ 40-year trek? To answer this, we must understand the importance of linking, between places as well as among people, on that ancient journey and today.  In all its dryness, this listing emphasized that no part of the Israelites’ journey stood alone, but rather that all were woven into a single extraordinary experience. Across time and space the list concentrates our attention on the invisible linking experienced when we are with another human being.  “People seem to be capable of mimicking others’ facial, vocal, and postural expressions with stunning rapidity.  As a consequence, they are able to feel themselves into those other emotional lives to a surprising extent.”2 We live linked by an invisible yet powerful web of connection, invisible because it operates mostly below our conscious awareness and powerful because it affects our actions.  Interpersonal Neurobiology describes the three abilities that enable our brains to experience empathy and connection and help us unlock the lessons of the Vernal Falls and Norway tragedies.

Two incidents at Vernal Falls illustrate different abilities of our empathetic brain.  As the young woman slipped into the water, the first man reached out to help her only to slip in himself.  The next man also reached out to help and fell in.  No time for cognitive deliberation, each person saw another in danger and acted. Our brain’s gift for automatically sharing other person’s feelings unfortunately increased that death toll from one to three.

Only moments before in the other incident, “. . . A man cross[ed] the barricade.  He was leaning over the 317-foot waterfall, holding a young girl, who was screaming in terror.  People begged them to get back. “I’m yelling at him, ‘You SOB, get over here!’” [another man] said.  Eventually, the two returned to safety.”3 Using the brain’s second ability, the onlookers cognitively intuited the girl’s state of mind and her terror. Seeing that girl in danger got them shouting at the idiot who stupidly endangered her.  Neutrality is not an option.

But even idiots sometimes deserve some consideration, as the Five Books illustrates. Towns that you assign to the Levites shall comprise the six cities of refuge that you are to designate for a manslayer to flee to. In Biblical times, if a person had unintentionally or inadvertently killed someone, he could seek safety from the avenging relative in a city of refuge. Any of us can  make mistakes.  The cities of refuge and this second Vernal Falls incident both demonstrate our brain’s third empathetic ability: responding compassionately towards a socially beneficial intention.  In this case, shouting brought them both back from the brink.  But what happens when our tendency toward empathy and connection fails?

Anders Breivik, the accused shooter in the Norway tragedy, demonstrates disconnection.  Intentionally killing fellow humans presumes severely limited empathic abilities plus a distortion of the cognitive “socially beneficial” intention.  Terrorists, both homegrown and foreign, often leave lengthy manifestos proclaiming a belief system in which their behaviors make sense (at least to them). Lacking empathetic skills, the brain’s left hemisphere can dominate a person’s processing and create a bubble of long-winded logic that justifies harming others.5 This is the price of a disconnected brain.

In the Five Books and at Vernal Falls, we witness our human propensity to reach out to others.  Our marvelous social brain is capable of sharing feelings, of intuiting another’s state of mind, and reaching toward a socially beneficial goal, in other words, empathy.  When supported by our upbringing and fostered by our culture, we react empathetically without thinking about it. Yet as we have seen, even empathy can trigger unavoidable tragedies.

On the other hand, some types of upbringing and certain sub-cultures can subvert these empathic tendencies and trigger unnecessary tragedies.  To lessen these darker forces requires that we personally commit to strengthening empathetic connection actions.  On the larger scale, supporting organizations and leaders who emphasize empathetic responses to human suffering enhances connection.  Personally, we can help those within our family and local community who face more subtle challenges of personal or economic stresses.  Practically, every time we get behind the wheel of our car, we can enhance our brain’s empathy.  Extending courtesy to the other drivers, letting them in, and avoiding anger at their bad moves, supports our understanding that we journey from here to there together.  These actions wisely strengthen our invisible connections and limit the price we pay for disconnection.

 

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

When do you feel connected and empathetic?  When have you been in need of empathy? What price have you paid for empathy?  Have you experienced too much empathy as well as too little?

Who is your empathy ‘hero’?  Name the qualities you admire in them.  Do something each day to strengthen the same qualities in you!

  1. nbcbayarea.com/news/local/Hiker-Swept-Over-Vernal-Falls-Report-125848553.html?rr=td
  2. Hatfield, Elaine, et. Al, “Emotional Contagion and Empathy” in Decety, Jean, and Ickes, William, eds. The Social Neuroscience of Empathy, 2009, p. 21.
  3. Ibid., p. 26.
  4. LA Times, 7/21/11, p. A 11.
  5. McGilchrist, Iain, The Master and his Emissary, 2009, p. 137 and Ch. 4 & 6.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Anger, Conflict, Emotions, Empathy, Fear, Five Books of Moses, Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Distinction, Conflict and Community

July 23, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Path From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: Distinction, Conflict and Community

Hearing people speak as if the person on the other side of an argument was their enemy concerns me.  Is there no other way to handle conflict?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

If a woman makes a vow to the Lord . . . and her father [or husband] learns of her vow . . . and offers no objection, all her vows shall stand . . . Numbers 30:4-5

Now, slay every male among the children . . . 31:17

“It would be a favor to us,” [the Gadites and Reubenites] continued, “if this land were given to [us] as a holding; do not move us across the Jordan.” 32:5

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

Emerging neurobiological evidence shows that our earliest experiences around safety and security are archived in implicit regions of the brain and generate a kind of somatic “knowing” that is different from thinking. Solomon, Marion and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p. 43.

We make distinctions to live.  This person is OK.  Those people are dangerous.  Some distinctions are necessary, some useful, but many are downright dangerous.  At the same time the Israelites dealt a deathblow to their Midianites neighbors who they labeled as enemy, we witness two other distinctions made within their camp.  Understanding these different distinctions and how our brain manages them will help us live wisely in our diverse but interconnected world.

After labeling the Midianites as dangerous, the Israelites conquered them, destroyed their cities and killed all the men and most of the captured women and children.  Was this an atrocity or a regrettable necessity?  During this same time, the Israelites distinguished between the vows of men and women and negotiated a special land deal for two tribes in contrast to the remaining ten. It seems that labeling people within our group or without changes how we act.  Outsiders are easily destroyed, while within, compromise is the overall rule, even though some differentiation carried a social sting.  Separating inside from outside our community has been useful for a good stretch of U. S. history.  A mere twenty or so years ago, we divided the world into the democratic good guys fighting the communist evil empire; while several decades earlier, the fighters for freedom defeated (but rebuilt) the Axis powers.  Before that, the Blue coated Northerners defeated the Southerners in Grey, as colonial Patriots had done to the Red Coats.  Oops, both those last two distinctions started as conflicts within the community.  Today, we label states red or blue, and slam the other guys with sound bites that paint them as bad or evil (you choose Tea Party or Radicals, Right or Left).  But what worked from ancient times until recently is rendered unworkable by our interconnected, interdependent global technology and economy.  Is it wise to be using ancient distinctions to guide our modern world and weapons?

Consider for a moment how blurry the inside/outside distinction has become. Where was your computer made and what accent do you hear when you call for tech support?  Who owns the stores you shop in?  Who serves your food or clears the table?  Who drills for, owns, operates, and supplies the gas we use as we drive our cars, most of which involve multi-national technology?  As our economy becomes more technologically global, wisdom from the Five Books of Moses and Interpersonal Neurobiology can help us reevaluate distinctions.

Now, slay every male among the children. What can we possibly learn from this almost genocidal behavior? Our first bit of wisdom is that the Midianites were outsiders, but not strangers. Actually intimate others living next door, they were a people whose gods (and sexual rites) were tempting to the Israelite men.  Labeled outsiders by the Israelites, as we did to Japs*, Commie Pinkos* or terrorists, the Midianite danger was fueled by desire and vulnerability inside the Israelite community.  And we are all vulnerable.

The second learning is that we generate internal working models and response patterns of safety or danger through our earliest experiences with our parents and caretakers.  “Before we “know” what has happened, autonomic arousal processes have readied us for action and reaction.”1 Before our conscious mind gets a clue, our early intimacy patterns impose distinctions of safe or dangerous upon our adult world.  This vulnerability, whether others are intimate or distant, is often only noticeable through our actions, no matter what we are thinking.  So it was for the Israelites. The emotional soup in which these second-generation escapees grew up was liberally seasoned with the fear and chaos of their parents’ slave and escape experiences. The same is true for most second-generation immigrants or survivors of the Holocaust or other human or natural disasters.  We seek to soothe those fears and manage the accompanying vulnerabilities, often gravitating towards others with similar patterns and pains.  Our desires, discomforts and search for relief empower their seductiveness.  Fears embedded in our early neural patterns can exaggerate the danger we see in those outside the community.  But what is different when distinctions are inside the community?

If a woman makes a vow to the Lord . . . and her father [or husband] learns of her vow . . . and offers no objection, all her vows shall stand.  Beyond the social sting of that paternalistic culture where fathers and husbands decided for the household, their daughters and wives included, this distinction between a man’s and a woman’s vows can be understood in the interest of familial and societal harmony.  Consider that the man has made a deal with the neighboring farmer only to find out that his wife has vowed never to speak or deal with those neighbors again.  The family’s interest overrode the woman’s and the husband could nullify her vow, without bringing guilt upon her.  But there were limits to his power.  If he didn’t act immediately upon hearing it, her vow stood.  Our ancestors believed that a vow to the Lord was sacred, not to be made, or overturned, lightly.   Within the household, the partners were able to regulate and limit each other’s commitments for the good of the partnership.  The same is true for us, and it enhances familial and emotionally connectivity.  “The success, security, and stability of a partnership hinges on the partners’ capacity to regulate various internal bodily, emotional, and mental states in real time, separately and together.”2 Since mutual, beneficial connection is the goal within the family and community, we must wrestle with our earliest patterns, lest those automatic distinctions undermine beneficial community connections.

“It would be a favor to us,” [the Gadites and Reubenites] continued, “if this land were given to [us] as a holding; do not move us across the Jordan.” Similar regulation was applied among the tribes when the Reubenites and Gadites wanted to stay back and occupy the conquered lands. At first their request angered Moses but negotiations quickly achieved a compromise.  After building towns to protect their families, the Reubenite and Gadite warriors would spearhead the charge across the Jordan.  They then would stay and fight until the Promised Land was conquered.  Only then would they return back across the Jordan to their wives, children and animals.  Negotiation and compromise worked as each side held back on its need to defeat the other.  Rather each acknowledged the merit within the other’s desires and developed an agreement that brought each side some of what they wanted.

In our interconnected world, we court disaster when our earliest fear based responses automatically run our family or political lives.  In the interest of family, community, national and global survival, we would be wise to identify what others want of us and, within reason, deliver some to them.  With very few exceptions, we can assume that people both inside and outside our specific community share this planet with us and possess brains filled desires, vulnerabilities, and frustrations.  When we focus on distinctions and differences, we generate fear in ourselves toward them. Fear forces disconnection. When instead we focus on connections among us, we invest in our personal, community and global survival!

* The use of the derogatory ‘Japs’ instead of Japanese and ‘Commie Pinko’, etc., is an intentional example of how many derogatory labels easily inhabit our culture and consciousness.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

Who do you label as inside and outside your community?  How does that change what you experience in your body?

When you experience fear in your body, take three deep breaths with a longer exhale than inhale.  Or vibrate your lips as you exhale like a baby does.  This helps calm fear.


  1. Solomon, Marion and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p. 43.
  2. Ibid., p. 44.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

Filed Under: Conflict, Emotions, Fear, Five Books of Moses, Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Making Space for our Children

July 15, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: Making Space for our Children

As I step back, how can I leave a good space for my children to step into?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

Among these [Israelites currently counted] there was not one of those . . . [who had been present] when they recorded the Israelites in the wilderness of Sinai. Numbers 26:64

Our father died in the wilderness . . . for his own sins; and he has left no sons. 27:3

Invest [Joshua] with some of your authority, so that the whole Israelite community may obey. 27:20

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

Just as changes in beliefs about the self can modify the regulation of emotions and interpersonal exchanges, improvements in patterns of relating to others can have beneficial effects on mental representations of self. Mikulincer, Mario & Shaver, Phillip R., Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, 2007, p. 372.

He was surprised at our cheerful mood in the midst of his long-term care insurance pitch.  “This is an upper,” we replied, “Yesterday we bought our burial plots.” Miriam and Aaron have died and Moses’ death would follow shortly. The Israelites were losing their leaders, unique figures who like parents, had buffered them both from the thirsty desert and God’s anger as they trekked from Sinai.  These empty spaces could have triggered chaotic floundering or rigid repetition of previous patterns in the Israelites but neither was evident.  Instead, from this empty space something new and marvelous was birthed.  As we focus on wisdom drawn from the Five Books of Moses and Interpersonal Neurobiology, we glean clues to transforming empty spaces into fertile soil for those who follow. After examining three types of losses, we’ll explore what the Israelites did to evoke a balanced response to this empty space.

As we well know, losses are inevitable. The key is how we manage these moments. Do we get stuck, fall apart or, as the Israelites did, do we foster something useful. Losses come in three forms: normal, difficult and challenging.  To walk we must give up crawling.  We step away from innocence into adult sexuality, and we leave home for college, relationship, work, and independence. And of course, there are the joys of aging as my bald head demonstrates.  These are normal losses, one chapter closing so the next may open. Losing your job, your health or loved ones are more difficult losses, an empty space with nothing to fill it.  Challenging losses can be triggered by either normal or difficult events but they uncover a vulnerability within us, when our best actions somehow compound the problems swirling around us.  It’s likely that our brain has cascaded into chaos or stiffened into rigidity. Chaotic and rigid responses were frequent when the Israelites exited Egypt and witnessed Sinai’s awesome power and these negative responses latch onto their brains (and ours) like Velcro. “In particular, we evolved to pay great attention to unpleasant experiences.  This negativity bias overlooks good news, highlights bad news, and creates anxiety and pessimism.”1 Thus the Israelites’ balanced response represents a significant change, a change that the Five Books suggests they achieved by cleaning house, addressing the new, and responding appropriately.

Cleaning house may not be fun but to move forward, we must often step away from things we truly treasure.  The Israelites mourned as their parents died in the desert but they kept marching toward the Promised Land. And that was the house cleaning.  Among these [Israelites currently counted] there was not one of those . . . [who had been present] when they recorded the Israelites in the wilderness of Sinai. The children who buried their parents along the desert trail were thus unhinged from the limitations and inhibitions of a mind soaked in slavery.  The scars of chaotic fear and helpless conformity were rinsed from the collective Israelite consciousness.  Similarly, at various times as we grow up, our brain prunes away neurons that have not linked into effective neural networks.2 We must shed what is no longer useful.

House cleaning completed (for now), we are better able to see and address new concerns. Our father died in the wilderness . . . for his own sins; and he has left no sons. Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah, the daughters of Zelophehad, voiced a new concern, one possible only once the Israelites settled in the Promised Land.  Transfer of property from one generation to the next was of little consequence during slavery in Egypt and only minimally important as they wandered the desert sands.  But once settled in the Land, maintaining the land within its original tribe became paramount.  Responding to the daughters’ concern, Moses consulted God who instructed the father’s property was to be passed to his daughters. Cleanly, a new concern was raised and acknowledged.  New behaviors were sought and implemented to resolve it.  In our cerebral cortex, the awareness of what is new involves a shift from top-down processing which emphasizes what we already know to bottom-up processing which accesses the new.  Stuck in top-down processing, blinded to new concerns, we slip toward chaos or rigidity.

Invest [Joshua] with some of your authority, so that the whole Israelite community may obey. Transferring power from one individual to the next is essential for the stable continuity of the group. This challenge was appropriately managed when Moses took Joshua before the whole community. Unlike the clouds hiding Moses atop Mt. Sinai, everyone saw power being passed forward.  Unlike at Mt. Sinai, no one could feel abandoned or could they dispute Joshua’s legitimate inheritance as had Korah.  Important as the act of buying plots and long-term care insurance was, we owe it to our children to make our wishes and purpose clear.  They may not always agree with our choices but clear guidelines for the empty space reduce conflicts and minimize the dual dangers of chaos and rigidity.

“Just as changes in beliefs about the self can modify the regulation of emotions and interpersonal exchanges, improvements in patterns of relating to others can have beneficial effects on mental representations of self.” 3 On the journey between the Sea of Reeds and the Jordan, the Israelites have changed dramatically. Now by cleaning house, addressing the new, and responding appropriately they have allowed transferred authority peacefully, and resolved conflicts over property rights, with women gaining legitimacy in the process.  Their balanced behavior suggests they were better able to regulate their emotions, a result of the training inherent in building the tabernacle and establishing rules for administrative, social and spiritual order.  Those who are stepping away from power and leadership would do well to train those who will follow in the skills needed for a balanced response as they deal with the inevitable empty space.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

Where are you in the process, are you among those stepping away from power or those stepping into empty spaces?  What feelings does this bring up?  What skills do you bring to meet the challenge?  What skills do you need to improve?  How will you do that?

We help others avoid chaotic and rigid responses when we regulate our emotions, provide clear structures and information, and treat slip-ups, both theirs and ours, with compassion.


  1. Hanson, Rick, and Mendius, Richard, The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha’s Brain: Happiness, Love and Wisdom, 2009, p 48.
  2. Siegel, Daniel J., The Developing Mind, p. 13.
  3. Mikulincer, Mario & Shaver, Phillip R., Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, 2007, p. 372.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Seeing our Blind Spots

July 10, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: Seeing our Blind Spots

Why is it so hard to see what’s coming so I can avoid making an ass of myself?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, “I erred because I did not know that you were standing in my way. If you still disapprove, I will turn back.” Numbers 22:34

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB):

Intentions involve strength applied to clear and appropriate goals, sustained over time.  Most of the intentions operating in your brain do so outside of awareness. Hanson, Rick, and Mendius, Richard, The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha’s Brain, p. 107.

What can our ass teach us? I mean the talking donkey kind, of course.  In the Five Books of Moses, Balaam’s ass warned him of danger that he couldn’t see due to his fixed mindset. After encountering an angel, he wisely continued his journey with quite a different purpose. Like Balaam’s, our brain works in ways that often lead us to think we know something with certainty, only to have a gentle – or sharp – alarm that invites us to revise our initial intentions.  Given these built in brain processes, how can we wisely navigate each road we take?

Seeing the Israelite multitudes camped at his borders and knowing of their recent victories, King Balak was legitimately scared.  To protect his kingdom, he sent for the prophet Balaam to curse the Israelites in hopes of improving his odds in battle.  After negotiations with Balak’s envoys as well as nocturnal consultations with God, Balaam saddled his ass for the journey to Balak’s kingdom. His ass, seeing an angel with a sword on the path just ahead, bumped the wall, went off the trail, and finally lay down in her efforts to avoid danger. Blind to the real danger, each time Balaam beat her severely.  After the third whipping, his ass asked him what had she done to deserve these beatings.  He responded that she had made a mockery of him and if he had had a sword, she’d be dead. She snapped back that she was not in the habit of doing such things, to which Balaam was forced to agree.  Then, his eyes uncovered by the Lord, he saw the angel with a drawn sword blocking the trail.  Finally aware of the danger his ass had seen but he hadn’t, Balaam admitted his blindness and shifted his purpose.  Since our brain is as vulnerable to this purpose driven blindness as was Balaam’s, perhaps Balaam also holds clues to walking our own way more wisely.  His story suggests we consider our initial intentions, be aware of warning signals, and learn to shift our course with humility.

Intentions involve strength applied to clear and appropriate goals, sustained over time Balaam’s initial intention contained a subtle conflict; practicing his profession meant he had to curse, while following God’s instructions meant he couldn’t curse Israel.  Demonstrating a typically human ambivalence, he entertained Balak’s second more prestigious delegation and again consulted with God, as if God’s first “No” was not enough.  Doing well in our professional life makes us feel good and fulfills financial needs.  These powerful survival forces activate parts of our brain that developed earlier in mammalian evolution and are more closely attached to survival.  More intense, automatic and faster, intentions firing from this part of our brain drive our actions before we can engage our more considered responses.1 Profession and profit fired in Balaam’s brain before considerations of God could gain traction.  So it can be with us.

Most of the intentions operating in your brain do so outside of awareness. Luckily, Balaam’s ass could see what he was blind.  When more basic intentions drive us, the structure of our cerebral cortex often makes it difficult to take in new information.  Structured in columns six cells deep, new sensory information proceeds from the bottom up while prior knowledge proceeds from the top down.2 When the top down flow dominates, we bask in the certainty of known information, blind to what is new and unfamiliar, even when something as drastic as an angelic sword swings in front of our nose.  Each time his ass went off course, Balaam’s top down response was to beat her back to his intended path. His reliable four-hoofed friend was forced to act radically three times before it began to penetrate Balaam’s set intentions.  And notice that even then, it didn’t change his story when she spoke to confront his blindness.  He maintained that he beat her because she made a mockery of him, that is, she made him look bad, not like a reliable professional.  Top down processing again.

Hard knocks happen.  How we respond makes a difference.  Only after Balaam’s ass spoke to him could he begin to see what was actually in front of him.  Only with God’s help did his old intentions weaken and top down perceptions waiver.  Finally seeing the angel and knowing his ass had been right, his bottom up information was engaged, and he was able to respond, I erred because I did not know that you were standing in my way. If you still disapprove, I will turn back. Now that I see, I’m willing to revise my intentions. After we discover we’ve blindly pursued the wrong path, that our initial intentions were well intended but inappropriate and that we’ve ignored the warnings, humility admitting our error and redirecting our actions helps us recover wisely.  It’s amazing what a talking ass can teach us.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

When have strong needs driven you on one path only to find out that it was not the wise path?  What were the warning signs?  How did you recover?

Cultivating a sense of receptivity as well as listening to good friends and advisors helps us avoid pitfalls.  Accepting new information with humility helps when we do fall.

  1. Hanson, Rick, and Mendius, Richard, The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha’s Brain: Happiness, Love and Wisdom, 2009, p. 97-108.
  2. Siegel, Daniel J., The Mindful Therapist, 2010, p. 104-5.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Losing, Winning and Mystery

July 1, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

In Search of Wisdom: Losing, Winning and Mystery

Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose; often I’m not sure which is which.

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

Some of the ashes from the fire of purification shall be taken for the impure person, and fresh water shall be added to them in a vessel . . . and at nightfall he shall be pure. If anyone who has become impure fails to purify himself, that person . . . has defiled the Lord’s sanctuary. Numbers 19:17, 19, 20

The Israelites arrived in a body at the wilderness of Zin . . . the whole community of Israel knew that Aaron had breathed his last. 20:1, 29

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

At the heart of Interpersonal Neurobiology as a field is the concept of integration – the linkage of differentiated parts. Daniel J. Siegel in Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p. ix.

Relationships work!  All of them; it’s just that some bring us satisfaction while others increase our pain.  Blaming the pain on one person or the other or on something that happened long ago is so easy.  Our challenge is to tease out the mysterious forces that enable us to transform our pain and unlock satisfaction.

After my mom’s death, I struggled, not just with grief but also with redefining myself as I became the oldest living person in my immediate family.  The umbrella that had protected me as far back as I could remember was abruptly closed.  Now only vulnerable to life’s downpours, I had become the umbrella for generations below me. My first reaction was to bring everyone together.  We met only once – not a rousing success.  However, as this new position became more familiar, I found a quieter approach that brought more satisfaction to the family.  Losses often require us to internalize and integrate familiar lessons, even if we’ve not taken them to heart.  Loss can trigger transformation.

So much happens here in the Five Books.  After receiving instructions for a mysterious brew that purified them after touching a corpse, the Israelites resumed their journey. Both Miriam, source of water, and Aaron, priestly connector to God, died.  Angered at their continued demands for water, Moses struck the rock rather than speaking to it as God had instructed. Later as they journeyed, the Israelites sang and water appeared.  They were threatened by and turned away from one king but later defeated two others. These victories were remembered in song.

Behind these dramatic manifestations, we discern two quieter forces at work, internalization and integration.  Working together as one people, the Israelites were able to take in and take on powers previously invested in leaders.  With this new awareness, they could make their power felt in the world.  Pain seems to be shifting toward satisfaction.

Some of the ashes from the fire of purification shall be taken for the impure person, and fresh water shall be added to them in a vessel . . . and at nightfall he shall be pure. Integration is the purpose of this purifying brew.  Touching a dead person made a person impure setting them outside the community.  It is not necessary for us to understand how those ancient minds came to that conclusion. What is important is to notice that for them, impure is not bad but rather a temporarily condition that prevented a person from being in direct connection with God, from standing with the community in front of the Tabernacle.  The purification ritual allowed that person to resume their place within the community and with God.

If anyone who has become impure fails to purify himself, that person . . . has defiled the Lord’s sanctuary. Failing to purify ones’ self was the bad behavior requiring punishment.  Purify yourself and all is OK.  Choose not to purify yourself and out you go.  Being outside community meant you lost military protection and food supplies.  Pain without satisfaction.  Alone, you were vulnerable.  Alone, you died.

Loss also brings vulnerability.  With Miriam’s death, the community lost their mobile water supply. Water flowed again when Moses struck the rock but as a consequence the people were to lose his leadership once they entered the Promised Land.  Aaron died, shifting power from one known person to the priesthood supported by the Levites.  Three umbrellas closed, exposing the Israelites to a new and different vulnerability.  But then almost immediately they won two victories. How can we understand this shift from pain to satisfaction?

The Israelites arrived in a body at the wilderness of Zin . . . the whole community of Israel knew that Aaron had breathed his last. As the leaders who had helped the Israelites manage their fear and fretting died, the words of the Five Books suggest that the Israelites transformed themselves, internalizing and integrating new roles.  That they arrived in a body at the wilderness of Zin implies a new connectedness.  And while it is possible they knew of Aaron’s death as the whole community because they saw Eleazar wearing the Aaron’s priestly garb1, there is another more intriguing explanation.  “Language is one of the most important ways in which the social brain makes connections, enhances connections, and severs connections among people. . . . In the realm of the spiritual, few corporeal manifestations can be perceived directly. . . . the force of that which is not seen can be felt only when transmitted directly through speech.”2 Within a week or so after my mom’s death, I noticed more elder generation thoughts in my head.  As my internal sense of self shifted, I began to act differently.  Is it not possible that the Israelites suffered the loss of Miriam and Aaron and then began to perceive themselves differently?  The words we use, both in our heads and with others, can help us transmute pain to satisfaction.

These phrases, in a body and the whole community, turn our attention toward the impact of internalization and integration upon the Israelites.  As they internalized the powers previously held by Aaron and Miriam, they were able to act differently.  They were better to link different aspects of community into one powerful whole people.  No longer deflected by internal conflict and overwhelming fears (at least momentarily), the community’s power was focused on one task and they won.  Following the loss of their leaders, these military victories indicate the new internal sense of linked Israelite community.

Thing may change for the better only to find ourselves slipping back into old behaviors and words.  Our challenge is to continue the process.  The Israelites understood that there was a power that supported their continued progress.  We can understand an additional support within the very structure and processes of our brain.   “Every time you take in the good, you build a little bit of neural structure.  Doing this a few times a day – for months and even years – will gradually change your brain, and how you feel and act, in far reaching ways.”3

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

When has loss triggered a new learning or connection for you?  What helped you through the process?

Meditation, focusing attention on one thing, creates an internal integration of brain functions.  These invisible changes shift pain to satisfaction.

  1. Etz Hayim, p. 887, note 29.
  2. Chicago Social Brain Network, Invisible Forces and Powerful Ideas: Gravity, Gods, and Minds, 2010, p. 83, 85.
  3. Hanson, Rick, and Mendius, Richard, The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha’s Brain: Happiness, Love and Wisdom, 2009, p.  77.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Fear, Death and Living

June 24, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Path: The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom: FEAR, DEATH and LIVING

Fear often stops me cold.  What can I do?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

Let us by all means go up . . . for we shall surely overcome . . . .

We looked like grasshoppers to ourselves, and so we must have looked to them. Numbers 13:30, 33.

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

The immediate reaction to stress is vital for short-term survival, while the rapid return to normalization after the threat has passed is essential for long-term survival. Louis Cozolino, The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy, 2nd ed., p. 233.

I’m afraid of heights!  While I did go to the top of the Seattle Space Needle, I stood briefly, my back pressed against the farthest wall until I scurried down in the next elevator.  My fear also kept us from the top platform of the Eiffel Tower missing the full Paris panorama.  Not rooted in reason, fear takes over my body and limits my life.  Yet fear is natural, an ancient part of our brain that has helped humans survive for millennia. Part of the social engagement system, fear helps us “regulate each other’s biological and emotional states.”1 In the Five Books, when tribal leaders (also called spies) report to the Israelites all they experienced in Canaan, we witness two stories in the Israelites– the story that stops us and the go story that urges us forward. These stories are in our heads also and in alliance with our emotional brain, the Five Books can coach us to wisely manage our fears.

We looked like grasshoppers to ourselves, and so we must have looked to them. An example of a stop story, ten of the twelve tribal leaders said that the Canaanites thought them small because that’s how they saw themselves.  Since The immediate reaction to stress is vital for short-term survival, it would seem that the leaders were helping both themselves and the Israelites avoid death.  However, this stop story is dangerous because no evidence can possibly disprove it or the fear it induces.  If I believe I’m a grasshopper, then I think all others see a grasshopper.  What else could they see?  I don’t want to be squashed so what else can I feel but fear?  The Israelites ingested this fear.  Consider the words that were imbedded in your early upbringing, way your caretakers described you – smart or stupid, pretty or just so-so, strong or weak, fun or shy, and the list goes on.  Children absorb those words, believing that is how all people will see them.  In spite of the miraculous gifts at Mount Sinai, the Israelites slipped back into an embedded slave mindset. As grasshoppers they could not survive battling the Canaanites. As grasshoppers they stood quaking in their tents.

Let us by all means go up . . . for we shall surely overcome . . . The Joshua and Caleb, other two Israelite leaders, articulated the go story, but it failed to move the Israelites.  Telling myself that I should enjoy the view from the highest platform, that it’s completely safe behind the metal railing, doesn’t diminish the fear churning in my gut.  The Israelites wept and railed against Moses and Aaron. They cried out, If only we had died in the land of Egypt . . . or if only we might die in this wilderness! [14:2] A fear story may evoke words that you may soon regret.

Advocates of the go story, Moses and Aaron fell on their faces and Joshua and Caleb rent their clothes.  Joshua tried again –  the land was good and worth the effort, don’t rebel against the Lord and finally have no fear.  As with parents, frustration filled these leaders who, seeing forward in time, could understand both the reality of the present fear and its limits. The Israelites remained unmoved and unmoving, stuck in their stop story and their fear.  Leaders and people, all were stuck.  Something stronger was needed to crack things loose.

God’s intervention was sharp and powerful.  Angered by the Israelites’ continuing intransigence, God threatened to destroy all the people, a disaster that was prevented only by Moses’ intercession.  God’s next – and more judicious – response is to condemn those whose brains were stuck in a slavery attitude to die before reaching Canaan.  Be careful what you wish for.  Only their children would inherit the land, insuring that those who were to enter Canaan would be free of that fear story.  Clean up done, God takes several amazing steps to help the Israelites manage their fear.

When you enter the land . . . The next line in the Five Books abruptly shifts focus to 38 years into the future, forcing the Israelites attention forward, instructing them on to how they were to behave in Canaan.  Why this?  Why now?  No longer addressing the grasshopper minds, God’s words hopefully penetrated Canaan’s future inhabitants.  Fears become manageable when we shift our attention forward, when we engage our power and pay attention to benefiting our loved ones. I got to the top of the Space Needle and to the middle platform of the Eiffel Tower by focusing on my breathing and the loving hand that held mine.

The rapid return to normalization after the threat has passed is essential for long-term survival. Breathing and connecting help return our fear physiology back to normal states.  It’s OK to be scared – for a while.  Perhaps the grasshopper story forced God to conclude that there was no way to tone down the fear-habituated brains of the recently freed Israelites slaves.  Those who entered Canaan needed the ability to regulate their fear, for only when we access a sense of safety can we connect with others and with God.  “A secure attachment indicates that we have learned to successfully utilize our relationships with others to quell our fears and modulate our arousal.”2

Living into my 70’s has taught me that we can revise those original stop stories that are stuck in our heads.  My fear limited me at times but it does not stop me. I rappelled off a 50-foot rock in Wyoming and zip lined across forested canyons in Costa Rica.  I did ascend the Eiffel Tower to the middle level and recently looked over the edge into the canyon from Hoover Dam. To help the Israelites change their fear responses, God instructed them how to do repair if they broke a commandment, how to deal with sins they might commit and how to remember all this with a symbolic fringe on their garments.  These were to be done when they were in Canaan.

Fear happens, yet as we train ourselves to look forward, to focus and connect, we moderate our fear, returning to a place where we can feel connected.  Our brains are built both to fear and to inhibit fear.  Managing our fears, asking for and receiving help, we create connection.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

How do you manage your fear?  What activities help?  Whose touch or words help?

Manage your fear – breathe, exercise and distract yourself from the stop story and focus on what you see, hear, touch and smell around you now.

  1. Solomon, Marion and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, 134.
  2. Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy, 2nd ed., 2010, p. 233.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Why do we complain? When is enough?

June 10, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom: Complaining

Why do we complain?  When is enough?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

The people took to complaining bitterly before the Lord.  . . . The riffraff in their midst felt a gluttonous craving . . .  The Lord was very angry . . .. Numbers 11:1,4,10

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

From our primary other person we derive the energy to brave the outer world of strange people and things. . . . How well we steward the relationship is directly connected to our survival and well-being. Solomon, Marion and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p.4

I complain and it seems we all complain at one time or another.  Complaining can be useful but mostly it’s irritating.  Sometimes I wish the complainer would just disappear – or worse.  But the complaining continues, which suggests that it has important functions.  As we weave the wisdom of the Five Books and Interpersonal Neurobiology, we learn how to complain wisely.

The people took to complaining bitterly before the Lord. Led out of Egypt, given the Ten Commandments, instructed to build the Tabernacle, fed and clothed and led by a pillar of fire at night and cloud by day, the Israelites still complained.  From an observer point of view, they had it pretty good but still they carried on.  Complaining is rooted in the story in our head and the feeling in our body, not outside evaluations.  Their story harkened back to better days in Egypt, and if not better, at least familiar.  Fear fueled their story, for even with manna to munch, clothes that didn’t wear out and a guiding pillar, they did not know what dangers lay over the next sand dune.  Trust would have been a great asset, but the brains of ex-slaves were not well trained for trusting.  Nonetheless, our job is to find their desire buried within the complaint.

We complain when we have a desire that is not met.  The Israelites’ desire was to feel safe.  While now we can say that the Commandments, food, clothing and guiding pillar of fire provided safety, the Israelites still didn’t feel safe then.  We know this because their complaints kept coming.  Complaining stops when the desire is recognized and met.  The initial complaint was bitter without specifics; the next was about food.  These were followed by Moses’ plea for relief from the burden of complaining Israelites and the last in this section of the Five Books was Aaron and Miriam complaining about Moses.  Each complaint is driven by an unmet desire, for safety, for familiar food, for help, and for normality.  Each is valid from the complainers’ point of view but often irritating for the recipient.  How the other person responds is key to resolving the unmet desire and thus ending the complaining.  Responses range from triggering fear or anger to shut off the complainers, to directly resolve the desire, and stopping the complaint indirectly by providing an unexpected benefit.

From our primary other person we derive the energy to brave the outer world of strange people and things. . . . Most babies begin life outside the womb with a wail, which brings caretakers to comfort them.  We cry out – with or without words – to relieve distress.  We’re born this way.  The Israelites’ complaint got a response, but perhaps not what they wanted.  The Lord heard and was incensed: a fire of the Lord broke out against them [11:1] Scarier than marching on into the wilderness, the people pled with Moses to intervene and the fire died down.  Complaint gone – but not resolved. The riffraff in their midst felt a gluttonous craving. God’s anger erupts again.  The meat was still between their teeth, not yet chewed, when the anger of the Lord blazed forth [11:33] Can’t complain when your mouth is stuffed full.  Again not resolved.

Moses’ poor-me moaning was handled differently.  He was So irritated was he by the Israelites continuing complaining that he wished to be killed.  If the problem won’t go away, then make me go away – that is how much had the Israelites angered Moses.  This time God responded by empowering seventy elders to speak in ecstasy, which, in effect, lifted responsibility from Moses’ weary shoulders.  Here we witness resolution when the hidden desire is addressed and resolved.

Finally, Aaron and Miriam’s words against Moses’ marriage to a Cushite woman were silenced when God called them forth and, after stern words, inflicted Miriam with a skin disease.  Their complaint trespassed God’s authority, it was not theirs to decide through whom God spoke.  Today, the words Moses used to plead for Miriam’s recovery are part of our healing prayers.  Complaining stopped and a secondary benefit was provided.

How well we steward the relationship is directly connected to our survival and well-being. We complain when in distress, when we desire something to be different.  The caretaker’s response is key.  Here we’ve observed God respond twice with anger, the first filled the Israelites with fear and the second filled their mouths with a surfeit of quail.  Both angry responses stopped the complaining but didn’t address the desire.  But God learned.  Moses’ desire was directly resolved and through the threat to Miriam’s health, we were gifted with a healing prayer.

Living delivers big knocks and small discomforts.  We are challenged both when our desires are unmet and when we hear our loved ones complain about us.  Do we respond with anger or drive them into fear?  Or do we address their desire, poorly stated as it may be?  Both approaches will end the complaining.  But only one stewards the relationship toward survival and well-being.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

When you want things to be different, how do you complain?  How do you respond when others complain to you – or about you?

Better complaining sounds like this: When you do (describe behavior), I feel (angry, sad, hurt, scared).  Would you please (describe a better behavior) and I will help you do that by (describe what you will do to help them.)

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Does what I do matter to others?

June 3, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom: Does what I do matter to others?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses: When a man or woman commits any wrong toward a fellow man, thus breaking faith with the Lord . . . Thus [the priests] shall link My name with the people of Israel, and I will bless them. Numbers 5:52, 6:27

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB): When we introspectively look into ourselves, we find this immediate perception of the actions and emotions of others. Marco Iacoboni, Mirroring People, p. 261.

Knowing the family tension that awaited me just inside that door, before I knocked I stood and with some effort shifted my protective angry mask into smile.  The tension shifted in a way I couldn’t understand then but today with the help of Interpersonal Neurobiology, the smile can help us understand how a wrong act towards one’s fellows may involve breaking faith with the Lord.

When a man or woman commits any wrong toward a fellow man, thus breaking faith with the Lord . . . Certainly we shouldn’t act wrongly toward others.  However these words all to easily feed into a childhood emotional response – Don’t do that! – is almost automatically followed by – You’re bad.  Then  only two thorny choices are available, to comply or to rebel.  We can either strive to please the big people or, like some little kids, acquire a little bit of freedom for ourselves by defying them.  These limiting alternatives often overshadow what is actually good within the requested behavior.  But when we shift our attention from the right/wrong aspect to breaking faith with the Lord, a wiser, more useful question emerges – What affect do my thoughts and behaviors have on others?  With a better question, we have better choices.

Each time we see, hear, speak to, or smile at another human, we affect them and in turn they affect us.  We now know how this works in our brains.  Less than two decades ago, in Parma Italy, a scientist accidently triggered the firing of specific neurons in a macaque’s brain simply by reaching his hand for something on the table.  These particular neurons, now called mirror neurons, have been shown to fire when we smile, see someone smile, or even say the word, smile.1 This means doing a wrong to my fellow is not just ‘my bad’ or bad for that person, but it is bad for anyone around who sees it or hears the tale.  My behavior affects those close to me as well as invisible others as it bounces around our social universe.  Perhaps through a similar linking, it also affects God.

There’s more.  Mirror neurons and other brain networks go far beyond imitation and mimicry.  When asked the same general knowledge questions, one groups of college students outscored the other group.  The only difference was that the higher scoring group had been told to think of and write down the qualities of college professors while the other group thought and wrote about the qualities of soccer hooligans.  “Conclusion: just thinking about college professors makes you smarter, whereas thinking about soccer hooligans makes you dumber!”2 What do you suppose would happen if we shifted our thoughts from  college professors to God?

This also works for good. “The Lord bless and protect you!  The Lord deal kindly and graciously with you!  The Lord bestow His favor upon you and grant you peace!” Numbers 6:24-26 Spoken by the priests, this special blessing had the effect of linking the Israelite people and God. Thus [the priests] shall link My name with the people of Israel, and I will bless them. Just words, perhaps, but now we understand that mirror neurons in each of our brains create an invisible linking between us so that our speaking affects others and they affect us, for harm or for good. It is wise then to consider that our words and actions may also reach beyond?

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

When have you ‘put a smile on your face’, that is, consciously changed your mood in difficult times?  What was the result?  Why not try again?

What can you think about that would raise your social, emotional, and spiritual IQ?

  1. Iacoboni, Marco, Mirroring People 2008, p. 11-12.
  2. Ibid., 201.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

Filed Under: Interpersonal Neuro Biology, Weaving Wisdom Paths

Do I count?

May 27, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom:

Do I count?  If I do count, to whom and for what?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

Take a census of the whole Israelite community . . . all who were [counted] came to 603,550. . . . The Israelites shall camp each . . . under the banners of their ancestral house; they shall camp around the Tent of Meeting at a distance. . . . This is the line of Aaron and Moses . . . Numbers 1:2,46; 2:1-2; 3:1.

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

the left hemisphere [is responsible for] a selective, highly focused attention. . . . the right hemisphere is responsible for every type of attention except focused attention. Iain McGilchrist, The Master and His Emissary, p. 38-9.

Suit and tie aside, I could tell he was unsure of himself as he nervously glanced at the evaluator to his right.  This interview would certify him as a psychiatrist, or not, and I had volunteered to act as his patient.  The first words from his mouth were, “Do you count your steps as you walk?”  Even as a stressed History grad student, I knew he was off target.  Counting steps might indicate an obsessive or compulsive diagnosis but his question was a poor way to open our relationship.  The interview regrettably continued with this uncomfortable clinical itemization.

Take a census of the whole Israelite community. Counting is the first action at opening of the fourth of the Five Books of Moses but here counting enhances relationship and fosters connection.  While my nervous interviewer sought a limiting label that crunched a person into a box, the counting of the Israelites moved them toward a new way of living, linking individuals within groups both horizontally in physical space and vertically in social order, and thereby opening their connection to God.  Counting for detail and counting for connection are each valuable, but only when used in tandem, do they increase our wisdom.

The milling mob that had fled Egypt was changed as they received the Ten Commandments at Sinai and cooperated to construct the Tent of Meeting.  They were now ready to be counted.  The first counting ascertained the number of men of military age – it’s good to know your strength.  The next counting organized individuals within their tribe – it’s good to know with whom you belong.  This counting also gave each tribe a specific position in relation to the others and to the Tent of Meeting – it’s good to know where you belong.

This is the line of Aaron and Moses . . . Another counting established a social hierarchy by listing the special place and functions of the priesthood and of the Levites as carriers and caretakers of the Tent of Meeting.  It’s good to know your place and your job.  Defenses, groups, location, and social order, all are established by this seemingly simple counting.  However list counting and relationship counting operate very differently in our brain.

The left hemisphere’s forte is focused attention including specific numbering and detailed listing.1 This works well when counting men for military duty.  Relationship counting differs both in purpose and brain geography.  Our right relational, contextual hemisphere does most of the work when we count for connection within our tribe (or family or community), and when we assess our relationship physically (where my tribe camps) or socially (what chores or privileges we have).2 This counting stretches beyond collecting numbers; it informs us of our place in the invisible social network that links our individual lives to those around us.

Danger looms when we confuse these two types of counting.  Having 603,550 ‘friends’ on Facebook does not indicate their quality or our skill at resolving differences with loved ones.  Having millions in the bank doesn’t make us behave ethically or act nicely to those around us.  The one who dies with the most toys does NOT win.  As both the Five Books and Interpersonal Neurobiology suggest, we win when we encircle the seductiveness of shear numbers within the boundaries of protective relationships and intimate connections.  This wiser counting lifts us higher than we thought we could go, for at the center of the Israelites tribal formation stood the Tent of Meeting, their portal to God.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

What do you count on?  Who do you count on?  What counts more – things or connections?

Say ‘thank you’ to the people you love and to those who do the simplest things that make your life possible, the clerk, the parking patrol, the garbage collector.  Let them know you appreciate them.

  1. McGilchrist, Iain, The Master and his Emissary, 2009, p. 38.
  2. McGilchrist, Iain, The Master and his Emissary, 2009, p. 39.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Weaving Wisdom Paths

How do I get them to do what I want?

May 20, 2011 by 2 Comments

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom:

It’s important.  How do I get them to do what I want?

Wisdom from the Five Books of Moses:

If you follow My laws . . . you shall eat your fill of bread and dwell securely in the land. . . .  But if you do not obey . . . I will wreak misery upon you . . .. Leviticus 26:3,14

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

Navigating this balance in needs between mental state alignment and parental prohibitions is one aspect of how the child acquires a healthy capacity for self-regulation. Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind, p. 279.

“Why don’t loved ones follow my suggestions and just do what I say?  I only want the best for them.”  The clues reside within our emotional brain, but let’s first examine God’s attempts to get the Israelites to do something important.  In the desert, after the Ten Commandments and long before their arrival in Canaan, God had Moses tell the Israelites to let the land rest, to not plant crops in the seventh year.  This well-intentioned land management plan was followed by a promise and a threat – follow this law and your belly will be full and if not, you will be miserable.  How do promises and threats work in our emotional brain and, more importantly, how can we use them wisely?

“Reaching out from the brain to the body proper, autonomic nervous system helps to control the body’s state of arousal.”1 Promises and threats regulate arousal and our actions by moving us toward something desirable or away from a danger.  The sympathetic branch of the autonomic system excites and arouses us, moving us forward like an emotional gas pedal so to speak, while the parasympathetic branch inhibits and conserves, keeping us back from perceived danger like an emotional brake pedal.  But more than this simple go and stop, we also affect each others’ emotional arousal.

The land management system was important, both practically and spiritually. It allowed the land to recoup nutrients and be more productive, and it connected honoring the Sabbath, a rest in time, with a rest in physical space, the land’s year off.  But this meant the Israelites were confronted with two years without crops, the rest year until the next year’s harvest.  God was asking them to do something they could only see as dangerous and want to avoid.  How do we get loved ones to do something good that they may interpret as danger?

To be effective, we must attend to our loved one’s arousal system, which acts as a gatekeeper, allowing our message in – or not.  The way we present our request helps or hinders receptivity for our message will trigger either the listener’s sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous system.  “Arousal can be regulated both internally, by automatic (nonconscious) and voluntary (conscious) means and externally through the intervention of significant others in our environment.”2 God is a very significant other for the Israelites.  And the more emotionally important we are to the other person, the more our request may unintentionally ignite the listener’s inhibitory parasympathetic system by voice tone or demanding wording.  They balk and in the ensuing argument (or silence), our good information is overwhelmed by hurt or anger.  Parasympathetic sensitivities also emerge from the past.  Without any conscious awareness, critical and shame-inducing childhood messages embedded in our brain can trigger inhibitory responses today.  The Israelites’ brains, steeped in the shame of slavery, might have automatically shut down, unable to distinguish God’s command for their good from Pharaoh’s command for more labor.

Engaging the listener’s sympathetic nervous system becomes our next challenge, and again words, tone and past associations affect their response.  Desire for connection, being seen accurately by a loved one, being part of a close group, all draw us forward, moving us toward the request.  Effectively presenting a request, especially one likely to be experienced as difficult or uncomfortable by the loved one, is best achieved when we lead with what we value in the relationship and the other person.

To achieve positive results, we must address the workings of our listeners’ autonomic arousal system.  Demanding tone and critical words trigger their emotional bake pedal while feeling desired and connected and being seen positively engage their energy towards our suggestion.  Promises and threats are too simple to be effective.  Our message may be important but how we present it affects how it’s received.  By honoring the person and the relationship, we present our truth illuminated with relationship wisdom.

Practicing Wisdom in our Lives:

Ask permission to talk before telling your truth.

Turn your complaint into a request and present the request, not the complaint.

Offer an Oreo Cookie: Something good about the relationship first, then the concern, sandwiched by another good about the relationship.

  1. Siegel, Daniel J., The Developing Mind, p. 279.
  2. Solomon, Marion, and Tatkin, Stan, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, 2011, p. 99.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim.

 

Filed Under: Weaving Wisdom Paths
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