Why do we complain? When is enough?

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

Seeking Wisdom: Complaining

Wisdom from Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB):

I complain and it seems we all complain at one time or another.  Complaining can be useful but mostly it’s irritating.  Sometimes I wish the complainer would just disappear – or worse.  But the complaining continues, which suggests that it has important functions.  As we weave the wisdom of the Five Books and Interpersonal Neurobiology, we learn how to complain wisely.

The people took to complaining bitterly before the Lord. Led out of Egypt, given the Ten Commandments, instructed to build the Tabernacle, fed and clothed and led by a pillar of fire at night and cloud by day, the Israelites still complained.  From an observer point of view, they had it pretty good but still they carried on.  Complaining is rooted in the story in our head and the feeling in our body, not outside evaluations.  Their story harkened back to better days in Egypt, and if not better, at least familiar.  Fear fueled their story, for even with manna to munch, clothes that didn’t wear out and a guiding pillar, they did not know what dangers lay over the next sand dune.  Trust would have been a great asset, but the brains of ex-slaves were not well trained for trusting.  Nonetheless, our job is to find their desire buried within the complaint.

We complain when we have a desire that is not met.  The Israelites’ desire was to feel safe.  While now we can say that the Commandments, food, clothing and guiding pillar of fire provided safety, the Israelites still didn’t feel safe then.  We know this because their complaints kept coming.  Complaining stops when the desire is recognized and met.  The initial complaint was bitter without specifics; the next was about food.  These were followed by Moses’ plea for relief from the burden of complaining Israelites and the last in this section of the Five Books was Aaron and Miriam complaining about Moses.  Each complaint is driven by an unmet desire, for safety, for familiar food, for help, and for normality.  Each is valid from the complainers’ point of view but often irritating for the recipient.  How the other person responds is key to resolving the unmet desire and thus ending the complaining.  Responses range from triggering fear or anger to shut off the complainers, to directly resolve the desire, and stopping the complaint indirectly by providing an unexpected benefit.

From our primary other person we derive the energy to brave the outer world of strange people and things. . . . Most babies begin life outside the womb with a wail, which brings caretakers to comfort them.  We cry out – with or without words – to relieve distress.  We’re born this way.  The Israelites’ complaint got a response, but perhaps not what they wanted.  The Lord heard and was incensed: a fire of the Lord broke out against them [11:1] Scarier than marching on into the wilderness, the people pled with Moses to intervene and the fire died down.  Complaint gone – but not resolved. The riffraff in their midst felt a gluttonous craving. God’s anger erupts again.  The meat was still between their teeth, not yet chewed, when the anger of the Lord blazed forth [11:33] Can’t complain when your mouth is stuffed full.  Again not resolved.

Moses’ poor-me moaning was handled differently.  He was So irritated was he by the Israelites continuing complaining that he wished to be killed.  If the problem won’t go away, then make me go away – that is how much had the Israelites angered Moses.  This time God responded by empowering seventy elders to speak in ecstasy, which, in effect, lifted responsibility from Moses’ weary shoulders.  Here we witness resolution when the hidden desire is addressed and resolved.

Finally, Aaron and Miriam’s words against Moses’ marriage to a Cushite woman were silenced when God called them forth and, after stern words, inflicted Miriam with a skin disease.  Their complaint trespassed God’s authority, it was not theirs to decide through whom God spoke.  Today, the words Moses used to plead for Miriam’s recovery are part of our healing prayers.  Complaining stopped and a secondary benefit was provided.

How well we steward the relationship is directly connected to our survival and well-being. We complain when in distress, when we desire something to be different.  The caretaker’s response is key.  Here we’ve observed God respond twice with anger, the first filled the Israelites with fear and the second filled their mouths with a surfeit of quail.  Both angry responses stopped the complaining but didn’t address the desire.  But God learned.  Moses’ desire was directly resolved and through the threat to Miriam’s health, we were gifted with a healing prayer.

Living delivers big knocks and small discomforts.  We are challenged both when our desires are unmet and when we hear our loved ones complain about us.  Do we respond with anger or drive them into fear?  Or do we address their desire, poorly stated as it may be?  Both approaches will end the complaining.  But only one stewards the relationship toward survival and well-being.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.