Making Space for our Children

Weaving Wisdom Paths From The Five Books of Moses, Our Emotional Brain and Our Lives.

He was surprised at our cheerful mood in the midst of his long-term care insurance pitch.  “This is an upper,” we replied, “Yesterday we bought our burial plots.” Miriam and Aaron have died and Moses’ death would follow shortly. The Israelites were losing their leaders, unique figures who like parents, had buffered them both from the thirsty desert and God’s anger as they trekked from Sinai.  These empty spaces could have triggered chaotic floundering or rigid repetition of previous patterns in the Israelites but neither was evident.  Instead, from this empty space something new and marvelous was birthed.  As we focus on wisdom drawn from the Five Books of Moses and Interpersonal Neurobiology, we glean clues to transforming empty spaces into fertile soil for those who follow. After examining three types of losses, we’ll explore what the Israelites did to evoke a balanced response to this empty space.

As we well know, losses are inevitable. The key is how we manage these moments. Do we get stuck, fall apart or, as the Israelites did, do we foster something useful. Losses come in three forms: normal, difficult and challenging.  To walk we must give up crawling.  We step away from innocence into adult sexuality, and we leave home for college, relationship, work, and independence. And of course, there are the joys of aging as my bald head demonstrates.  These are normal losses, one chapter closing so the next may open. Losing your job, your health or loved ones are more difficult losses, an empty space with nothing to fill it.  Challenging losses can be triggered by either normal or difficult events but they uncover a vulnerability within us, when our best actions somehow compound the problems swirling around us.  It’s likely that our brain has cascaded into chaos or stiffened into rigidity. Chaotic and rigid responses were frequent when the Israelites exited Egypt and witnessed Sinai’s awesome power and these negative responses latch onto their brains (and ours) like Velcro. “In particular, we evolved to pay great attention to unpleasant experiences.  This negativity bias overlooks good news, highlights bad news, and creates anxiety and pessimism.”¹ Thus the Israelites’ balanced response represents a significant change, a change that the Five Books suggests they achieved by cleaning house, addressing the new, and responding appropriately.

Cleaning house may not be fun but to move forward, we must often step away from things we truly treasure.  The Israelites mourned as their parents died in the desert but they kept marching toward the Promised Land. And that was the house cleaning.  Among these [Israelites currently counted] there was not one of those . . . [who had been present] when they recorded the Israelites in the wilderness of Sinai. The children who buried their parents along the desert trail were thus unhinged from the limitations and inhibitions of a mind soaked in slavery.  The scars of chaotic fear and helpless conformity were rinsed from the collective Israelite consciousness.  Similarly, at various times as we grow up, our brain prunes away neurons that have not linked into effective neural networks.² We must shed what is no longer useful.

House cleaning completed (for now), we are better able to see and address new concerns. Our father died in the wilderness . . . for his own sins; and he has left no sons. Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah, the daughters of Zelophehad, voiced a new concern, one possible only once the Israelites settled in the Promised Land.  Transfer of property from one generation to the next was of little consequence during slavery in Egypt and only minimally important as they wandered the desert sands.  But once settled in the Land, maintaining the land within its original tribe became paramount.  Responding to the daughters’ concern, Moses consulted God who instructed the father’s property was to be passed to his daughters. Cleanly, a new concern was raised and acknowledged.  New behaviors were sought and implemented to resolve it.  In our cerebral cortex, the awareness of what is new involves a shift from top-down processing which emphasizes what we already know to bottom-up processing which accesses the new.  Stuck in top-down processing, blinded to new concerns, we slip toward chaos or rigidity.

Invest [Joshua] with some of your authority, so that the whole Israelite community may obey. Transferring power from one individual to the next is essential for the stable continuity of the group. This challenge was appropriately managed when Moses took Joshua before the whole community. Unlike the clouds hiding Moses atop Mt. Sinai, everyone saw power being passed forward.  Unlike at Mt. Sinai, no one could feel abandoned or could they dispute Joshua’s legitimate inheritance as had Korah.  Important as the act of buying plots and long-term care insurance was, we owe it to our children to make our wishes and purpose clear.  They may not always agree with our choices but clear guidelines for the empty space reduce conflicts and minimize the dual dangers of chaos and rigidity.

“Just as changes in beliefs about the self can modify the regulation of emotions and interpersonal exchanges, improvements in patterns of relating to others can have beneficial effects on mental representations of self.” ³ On the journey between the Sea of Reeds and the Jordan, the Israelites have changed dramatically. Now by cleaning house, addressing the new, and responding appropriately they have allowed transferred authority peacefully, and resolved conflicts over property rights, with women gaining legitimacy in the process.  Their balanced behavior suggests they were better able to regulate their emotions, a result of the training inherent in building the tabernacle and establishing rules for administrative, social and spiritual order.  Those who are stepping away from power and leadership would do well to train those who will follow in the skills needed for a balanced response as they deal with the inevitable empty space.

1. Hanson, Rick, and Mendius, Richard, The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha’s Brain: Happiness, Love and Wisdom, 2009, p 48.
2. Siegel, Daniel J., The Developing Mind, p. 13.
3. Mikulincer, Mario & Shaver, Phillip R., Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, 2007, p. 372.

Quotes from the Five Books of Moses are from Etz Hayim, 1999.